scene: newark international airport, newark, NJ. monday night.
1) yours truly (YT)
2) dippy flight attendant chick (DFAC, not to be confused with AFLAC)
3) rocker TV producer guy (RTVPG)
4) evil, evil continental airlines (EECE, who i generally love and who my friend di is genuinely obsessed with)
EECA: "attention, ladies and gentlemen. we just wanted to come on the PA to let you know that we hate you. i know you're tired after a long day of client meetings. i know you are going back to austin against your will and that you'd rather stay in NYC to play with friends and enjoy the sunny-but-disgustingly-hot weather. but mwahaha! we are delayed."
YT: "hate. hate for everyone. i know austin has made me chill and whatnot but still. haaaate."
EECA: "ok, it's not that bad! i know your flight was supposed to leave at 8:15, but newark is a giant cluster fuck that was thrown off by a teensy bit of weather. it's 8:45 now, let's board."
YT: "not so bad. haaaate is diminishing somewhat. may make it home before midnight! rejoice!"
(we board airplane)
(sit at gate)
(sit at gate)
(meet seatmates, DFAC, who is very earth-mothery looking with a fantastic complexion and RTVPG, who is very tan and tall and fit-looking)
(one hour has passed. we still have not yet left gate.)
(movement! hurrah! the plane groans its way toward the tarmac.)
EECA: "so yeahhhh, ladies and gentlemen. i know you've been sitting at the gate for an hour. i know you are hating life. i know your seatmates are annoying the shit out of you by their incessant chatting. maybe they will fall in love and become life partners, but still, can't they do so more quietly? i mean really. anyway, so yeah. i've got some bad news. we're going to be parked here on the tarmac for... [dramatic pause] about another hour and a half. we're at the end of a long line."
YT: "rage. seeeethe. hate."
DFAC, talking to RTVPG next to her: "so yeah, i'm a vegetarian. i just, i don't know, the way those animals are killed just seems so wrong, you know? don't get me wrong, i love me my fish. in fact, i had this amazing fish in lisbon the other night, but there were just so many bones? i thought i was going to choke on a bone! and i don't eat shellfish. i mean, don't get me wrong, i've had fresh oysters, and they are so delicious! but then i realized they're fresh out of the water and i just felt so BAD! and how they boil crabs alive? it just makes me so sad!
RTVPG: "mm-hmm, yeah. right. okay."
YT: "hmm. am suddenly craving some MD crabs served with a healthy dousing of old bay seasoning and an ice-cold corona served with lime. or maybe some fresh oysters on the half shell with plenty of tabasco and lemon juice."
DFAC: "i mean, i just think that my destiny here on this earth is to give out peace and harmony wherever i go, you know? wherever i'm heading to next, i want to give out as much love as i can while i'm here. i really think that's my calling. i think it's so important. that's why i love to travel so much. i just feel like i'm a citizen of the world, you know? even though my passport says the U.S.? that's why i'm a flight attendant, although i just have a really hard time with the bureaucracy of it all, you know? all the corporate stuff? i just want to give all my passengers love and take care of them like they're my family."
RTVPG: "mm-hmm, yeah. right. okay."
YT: "excuse me while i barf. the usual austin jen would have said now i'm sure she's a lovely lady and she has great skin and the world needs some more love, kumbayah and all that, but right now? i'm trying to sleep you dippy bitch! shut the f up!!!!!!!"
EENA: "hiiii, ladies and gentlemen. have you gone completely postal yet? okay, so i have great news! we're totally great. we are going to take off EARLIER than we said! isn't that fantastic? i mean, aren't you totally blown away? so yeah, now that it's after 10 pm and you've been sitting here wanting to die for the past few hours, let's embark on a three-hour journey to texas! hurray!"
DFAC: "so yeah, i just don't understand the celebrity stylist thing. i mean, true musicians are supposed to be artists, you know? i'm a singer, and a lot of my friends are musicians. and they're real artists, and their styles should reflect their PASSION, and their individuality. i'm friends with this norwegian band, they're kinda like psychedelic pop? and their leader, he writes all their songs, he wears these great velvet suits which are just so right for their ART, you know?"
RTVPG: "mm-hmm, right. yeah. okay."
so this went on and on and on and on and on until i couldn't take it anymore. i was annoyed, i was exhausted, i had been up since 7 am, the entire plane was silent and dark except for these annoying yahoos who were yammering on like a pair of fools. my ipod was blasting into my ears in an effort to drown these two out, but that wasn't working and besides, my ears were starting to throb and i really wanted to sleep. i finally turned to them, put on a big smile, and said "excuse me, i'm so sorry to interrupt you, but i was wondering if you wouldn't mind speaking a little more quietly? it's just that i can hear your conversation and i don't want to feel like i'm eavesdropping. that'd be greeeeat, thanks. YOU ANNOYING FUCKERS."
okay, so i didn't really say the last part, and about two hours into the flight they finally quieted down a bit and i was able to get some sleep. does saying this makes me a heartless bitch? honestly i couldn't have cared less. i do think i've chilled out a lot since moving to austin but last night i just couldn't take it anymore. who cares about zen when you have annoying DFAC sitting next to you and waxing poetic about the meaning of her life.