you couldn't make this shit up if you tried

sorry for the lack of updates, people. i was hosting the brilliant ravi d'souza at chez jen this past wknd and didn't have much time for blogger between the effort it take to drink enough liquor to fill a small harbor and eat enough food to feed a small nation.

(hyperbole much?)

but oh boy, do i have a story for you. oh yes. because some CRAZY ASS DRAMA went down this past thursday, and although i must say i am not quite over it and remain rather sensitive about it, perhaps you will be kind and take sympathy on me instead of pointing a finger and laughing like that nelson kid on simpsons (with the nasal "henh-henh!").

scene: a fairly crowded bar on 5th street, d/b/a red fez, austin, texas. thursday night.

characters: yours truly. random bar patron who will heretofore be referred to as trashy ass ho (TAH for short). misc friends of mine who unfortunately did not witness the incident and only witnessed the aftermath (which was not pretty).

i was minding my own business, hanging out and taking in the scene as i raised my nearly-full bottle of beer to my lips to take a refreshing sip. TAH and her TA male companion were nearby, dancing, i suppose, or at least trying to. next thing i know, i get elbowed/pushed/shoved and the glass bottle got rammed into my mouth with enough force to break my tooth. seriously. i shit you not. it felt like i had gotten punched in the face, and the shock of everything made me drop the bottle, which fell to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.

i was extremely shocked (it pretty much felt like i had just gotten punched in the face completely out of nowhere) and was having trouble digesting what had happened (i promise you i was not that drunk). what makes this story even more ridiculous was that when i tried to talk to miss TAH and get her to acknowledge what had just transpired ("hi, i'm an innocent bar patron, you just shoved into me and rammed a glass bottle into my mouth and BROKE MY TOOTH, could you at least do me the favor of acknowledging the incident and apologizing? even if it was an accident or whatever?") she tried to GET UP IN MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the nerve of that ho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously. it was trash the likes of which i had never quite experienced. i mean... in some seedy bar in a seedy city, maybe... but in friendly austin? where everyone is nice, and chill? where people apologize if they accidentally brush past you in a crowded bar? she tried to talk shit! she was all "bitch, you're trippin, i don't know what you're talking about" and "if you're trying to start shit maybe we should step outside." may i take this moment to say that TAH was about three inches shorter than me and a good 15-20 pounds lighter. she was wearing this cheap-ass ugly tank top and had badly dyed peroxide blond hair and was that pale shade of white that just makes me pity white people who have no melanin (side note to all my dear white friends -- none of you are that shade, just fyi. on you it's "milky" and "creamy" and "porcelain." i swear).

ugh. i was honestly so upset and shocked and disoriented that i could barely respond. i could feel myself quickly getting really upset and i didn't want to cause a scene, so i finally just walked away from her and went to the bathroom to make sure i wasn't missing entire sets of molars or anything... where i confirmed that the corner of my front right tooth is definitely missing. gone. chipped at a jagged edge.

honestly, all juicy story-telling and dramatic hyperbole aside, it was awful and upsetting and i felt like i had just been assaulted or something. i couldn't believe she was trying to start a fight with me (how stupid can you be?) and decided to just leave and go home, where i couldn't talk to anyone about it because it was nearly 2 a.m. austin time which is almost 3 a.m. for most of my east coast-based buddies and had to comfort myself with some DVR'ed grey's anatomy and popcorn instead.

the positive note is that at least i have my halloween costume ready... i can wear my orange dress from my friend megan's wedding and walk around with a big smile on my face and be a walking jack o'lantern. done.